A Real Man



A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.



He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret.. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.



No wait... sorry.... I'm thinking of wine.
It’s wine that does all that.......

Never mind.

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mel

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying:

'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says: 'We're already over our quota for Travellers. Go back to the gates and tell them to choose which are the 12 most worthy and I will let a dozen in'.

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

St Peters replies....... ‘No, the gates'.

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Yep, Im still here.

An Englishman, a Welsh man, and a Pakistani are in a maternity ward
The doctor comes out and says
"There is some good news and some bad news:
The good news is that all 3 of your sons are healthy happy babies
The bad news, is that due to a mix up, we're not sure whose is whose
So we'd like each of you to go in and identify your son."
the Englishman, goes in first and emerges with what, is quite clearly the Pakistani child
The Pakistani guys says "Hang on that is clearly my kid"
The English guy says "That may be true, but one of those ba$tards in there is Welsh and I can't afford to take the risk"

(sorry Goose but this made me laff)

Shez, you are Chubby Brown and I claim my £5

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Yep, Im still here.

someone's been secretly dumping manure on my allotment

.............the plot thickens

Drole. Caught on CCTV though..

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Four wheels move the body - 2 wheels move the soul.

Three rugby fans from England, France and Wales, were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The France fan was first in line, so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The France fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The England fan was next up, and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the England fan out crying like a little girl.

The Wales fan was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your supporters are some of the best and most loyal rugby fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Diolch, your most Royal Highness," the Wales fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the England fan to my back."

Release the hounds. The Dai is cast...

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Four wheels move the body - 2 wheels move the soul.

I cant believe I wasted so much time reading that...

Shockingly bad joke G

Racists of the world unite

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Four wheels move the body - 2 wheels move the soul.